But those hard things make us stronger...
Sometimes we get to that point where life is good! Nothing seems to be going wrong (meaning no big trials) & we get comfortable. But if I have learned anything from this trial I've had to experience the last couple of months... I've learned that once you hit that point in life, it is time for you to grow.
I was thinking about it & when you (you in general) were little & you would grow, it hurt. I remember when I was younger & I would go through growth spurts & constantly my feet would hurt. I would sit there & have my mom rub my feet because I honestly couldn't figure out why they hurt. Now that I can look back, I am pretty sure it was because I was growing.
So I've realized growing emotionally or spiritually... hurts as well. But in the end it strengthens us. We need this growth throughout our lives. Just like as a baby, or a kid needs to grow.
I've learned that we NEED trials in our lives. We are on this earth for a reason. We aren't here to just sit around & be comfortable & always get what we want... we are here to learn & grow. So trials are necessary for us to go through. Also trials can bring you closer to our heavenly father, & our savior Jesus Christ. Trials can humble you & make you realize that you cannot do everything alone, sometimes you need to admit you need help.
I think what I have learned is that sometimes we just need to learn to have trust & faith in our Lord. He knows all things, & he knows what is best for us. I think sometimes we think we know it all, & we think we don't need any help. But actually, we really do. Who knows us better than we know ourselves? Our heavenly father.
These last couple of months have been really hard. But I can honestly say I am glad I went through this trial. I can honestly say it was very hard to figure out what I needed to learn from this, & I can honestly say I kept thinking Why me? Why did I have to go through this? This isn't fair! It has been hard. But like I said I can now say I needed this trial.
I needed this trial because even though I knew I had faith & trust in my heavenly father & savior, I needed to know if I had faith & trust in other situations..
This is what Elder David A. Bednar said:
"Many of the lessons we are to learn in mortality can only be received
through the things we experience & sometimes suffer &
God expects & trusts us to face temporary mortal adversity with His
help so we can learn what we need to learn & ultimately become what we
are to become in eternity."
Also in his devotional he shared a story about a young couple that had been married for three weeks, & found out that the husband had cancer. He said one day he had gone in to give the husband a blessing but before hand he told him that he needed to be able to do God's will & said he needed to be okay will dying if it was in His will. Eventually the husband said he would be okay with dying. he had to accept the lords will. He got through Chemo. & didn't die.
I think that has been a hard thing for me to do. Accepting the lords will. But I think I can honestly say that I can accept his will. I love my savior Jesus Christ, & my Heavenly father, & I know that he knows what is best for me. So if I have a million more miscarriages, I know I can accept this even though I may not fully understand why it has to happen, I know that I need to have faith & trust & know that I live the commandments & I am doing everything I need to.
If I can accept that maybe I won't have kids... or maybe accept that I might have to go through more miscarriages in the future... I know I can accept the Lord will.
I am not going to lie, once you have a miscarriage EVERYONE seems to be pregnant. EVERYONE seems to have a baby, EVERYONE seems to start asking "When are you going to have kids."
It has been hard not to snap at people that ask that & say "I DON'T KNOW!!!! I WANT KIDS! BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN HAVE ANY!!!!" But I think right from the beginning I decided that You know what people don't know things about your life. They don't know what you have been through & they don't know that saying that can possibly hurt your feelings. So I feel like I have dealt with that in a very good way. I feel like I am understanding & just say "It'll happen when it happens."
I think we all just think I am going to have this many kids.. I am going to get pregnant at this time... at this age.. & so on. But what we don't realize is... it isn't easy for some people! You realize that you cannot make this decision. You realize you almost do not have control over this.
Also it has been hard not hating & having sooo much anger toward women who are pregnant. It got easier... but if someone was pregnant around the time I was due. I HATED them. It was the worst feeling in the world. I had never actually HATED someone in my whole life. But this Miscarriage caused me to Hate. & to be angry toward everyone. I wasn't myself. I felt empty & I kept asking God WHY ME?? I would have been a good mom!! I wanted this baby! WHY ME!!!!! When I should have been asking "What do I need to learn from this!?"
I went about it in the wrong way. I couldn't accept it. & most importantly I felt like I had control over NOTHING. & believe me.. I love planning EVERYTHING.. I love being in control of every situation. & I felt helpless.
I think I have grown so much since February 4, 2013. I think I have realized if it doesn't kill you... it sure as heck makes you stronger. Also I think one of the hardest things, that I thought would have been easier, is people not knowing that it happened or ignoring me because they don't know what to say to me.. or not saying anything at all acting like the baby was never there. I thought I had not wanted anyone to mention it... or say sorry to me because sorry is such a overused word that nobody means... & no one could possibly understand anyways so why say sorry when you don't even know how it feels, or let me just talk about it to someone.
I thought I needed to be strong & get over it. I thought I needed to keep it all inside me. I was wrong. I think that is why it has taken me a while to fully become back to my old self. To get over that anger, to stop hating women who are pregnant. This is their turn to be pregnant & I should be happy for them. I've realized that I don't know people's lives either... maybe it took them awhile to get pregnant. maybe they thought they were never going to have babies. You just never know. It isn't anyone's fault that I had a miscarriage... so why take it out on them? They don't deserve it.
I also realized that I think it would have helped to have talked to someone who had gone through the same thing I had. I think it would have help to hear that even though they had a miscarriage at 12 weeks they had kids after it. I think it would have helped to hear I wasn't alone. I knew I wasn't alone because I always found comfort knowing that my savior Jesus Christ knew how I felt... But I also just felt alone because everyone that had miscarriages that said if I needed to talk they were there for me, already had one or two kids before their miscarriage.
I don't compare miscarriages or still births or anything. I think at any weeks or months that someone had a miscarriage it is hard. I think there it isn't right or fair to compare. You don't know how it feels... & to say well at least you weren't 6 months along.. or at least you were only 12 weeks... or at least you were only 6 weeks. It does NOT matter. any time you have a miscarriage I believe it is hard & no one should say "Get over it!" Because chances are you don't know how it feels.
Anyway, I just want to say I am glad I went through this trial. I have learned to trust my heavenly father & I've learned that it is okay to rely on him more.
I have learned that I don't have control over everything... & that is okay. I've learned to accept that right now I am not going to have a baby this August. I've learned to accept that it will happen when it happens.
Also I just want to thank my Husband Dee... He has been the most supportive most comforting person through this whole trial. Even though it was hard for him at first he got over it WAY before I did & he has been so understanding... & I am so lucky to have him.
Here is one of my favorite scriptures:
Thanks for reading!
