The Adventures of Dee & Michelle!: February 2014

Saturday February 8, 2014

Well I thought I could make it my whole pregnancy without getting any stretch marks.. I was so wrong! Don't listen to people when they say "if you haven't gotten stretch marks by the eighth month, you won't get any during your pregnancy." So here I was 35 weeks & 4 days pregnant (almost nine months pregnant) & I wake up look in the mirror to examine my belly (something I had been doing since week 20.. to make sure I didn't gain any stretch marks over night) & boom! there were 3 small.. BUT very horrible horrible horrible ugly stretch marks nonetheless, right under my belly! Yeah don't get excited about not having stretch marks until you have the baby! I guess some people even get them at week 39! How horrible! You think "Wow! I'm not going to get any stretch marks!" Then boom week 39 comes around & those little mean hideous red marks show up! Don't they know that they are unwanted? Don't they know that they're hideous?? I mean come on! Us pregnant ladies already have to go through a lot! Could they not cut us some slack?? Are they seriously that mean? That was my first reaction...

Then as I jumped back into bed after noticing them I showed my husband those ugly marks that were going to scar my belly forever! & said "Will you still love me even though I have ugly stretch marks on my belly??" (Even though I already knew that Dee will always love me no matter what). He gave me the strangest look & said "Stop loving you because you have stretch marks on your belly? Every time you look at those stretch marks you're going to remember you received those while our baby girl was growing in there." & I said "I know! But they're ugly!" "Now I'm ugly!" Dee just rolled his eyes & said "Stretch marks don't make you ugly Michelle!" (I do not think this is exactly how everything was said.. but I know it is pretty close). I had a hard time this past week accepting the fact that my belly was now scarred for life. Forever! I felt fat & ugly!

But to completely understand why I was being so crazy about this & calling stretch marks "ugly" & what not.. You have to know that It's because I've had problems in the past about "being fat" or "being over weight" I used to be obsessive about it to the point that I developed an eating disorder. Not many people know about this because I don't really like to talk about it. But I felt like I needed to reopen that chapter in my life to help myself over come the inevitable.. I am going to have to live with these stretch marks the rest of my life whether I want to or not!

The eating disorder wasn't diagnosed as Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa.. The doctors just said I had an eating disorder. I would skip breakfast & (most of the time) lunch & I would pretty much only eat dinner. I felt like food made you fat. Food was disgusting! I couldn't eat in front of people. If I had lunch at school I had to eat in the girls locker room. I couldn't eat out in the open where someone might see me!

Sometimes I would make myself throw up! I liked the feeling of my stomach being empty! No I LOVED that feeling! If I was going to someone's house or going out to eat I usually would just say "Oh I'm not hungry" & I wouldn't eat. Food was disgusting. I always asked myself how can people eat in front of others!! it is so GROSS! I seriously thought that.

I knew anorexia & bulimia were wrong! But I wasn't doing either of those so I told myself I didn't have a problem. I know it might sound like nothing.. or just sound ridiculous to you.. But I've struggled with this pretty much up until I got married! I'm glad to say that my thoughts haven't turned to "food is disgusting" for over 2 years now. I have overcome this... but there are definitely times when it tries to sneak back up to take over my life again. There are times where I won't eat all day long (don't worry not while I've been pregnant... I've been trying my hardest to make sure I eat! In the beginning it was hard watching my weight go up. I kept having to remind myself that it was just the baby.. I also had morning sickness in the beginning. I would throw up at least twice a day. Dee became so worried that he asked me if I was doing it on purpose, just because he knew of my past. But I would never do something like that! Not now.) There are times where I throw up & my brain tells me "come on, you love the feeling of an empty stomach... just don't eat!" But I've been strong! I have fought through all the temptations & I'm happy to say I can eat in front of people now. I mean there are still times where I can't eat in front of people because a thought creeps into my head saying "don't eat that! They'll think you're fat!" but I'm proud of how far I have come.. I don't know why I'm like this. I think this is one of the main reasons I'm so "shy".. because I'm always telling myself "They think you're fat!" So I end up getting self conscious & come across as shy.. I think the only thing that has helped me to "open up" & "feel good about myself" is when I'm eating healthy & working out. I love working out! Even if I am the fattest person alive working out makes me feel better about myself.

The point of this is... I know having this stretch mark makes me "feel" fat.. But that's not how I gained these small red marks underneath my belly.. It's because I have had the wonderful opportunity to grow a beautiful little baby inside of me. I earned these stretch marks! I have come to realize these stretch marks will always remind me of my baby, like Dee said, after she is born! & at first I didn't really listen to what Dee said I was just too caught up in the fact that I was "ugly" now & "fat" now.. But what I've realized this past week (I'm 37 weeks now) is that stretch marks don't make you ugly! They don't mean you're fat.. & who is going to see my belly anyway? doctors maybe & my husband.. so who cares if they are there? If my husband seems to think I am beautiful with or without stretch marks than I need to see myself that way too. I feel so lucky to be married to Dee. He is always teaching me to be a better person! & I know he will love me no matter what!

Sunday February 9, 2014

Dee & I finally agree on a name! I am pretty sure that is what her name is going to be, but just in case we want to see her before we start telling everyone what her name is going to be. Because what if she doesn't look like the name we picked out at all?? Then I would feel like we would have to name her the name we told everyone.. I know that's ridiculous because who cares? right? But until she is born we are not telling anyone what we think her name is going to be. Everyone will just have to wait. (: We have a couple back up names too! Finally we agree on some names. I still am in love with Sophia Michelle... But most likely that is not going to be her name. Dee doesn't like it. So I guess I would just feel bad because if he named our baby "Hank" or "George" (no offense) I HATE those names! I do not think they will ever grow on me!! I still have hope that maybe by the time we are pregnant with our second girl that Sophia will grow on him (: Maybe not..

Monday February 10, 2014

Well.. the doctor said he doesn't think the baby is going to come before her due date. I guess I'm just that unlucky!! I know everyone says "you want to keep her in there as long as possible" & I get that. I understand that she is probably more safe in there than out here in this crazy world.. but what most of you don't understand is I feel like I've been pregnant for over a year because of the miscarriage I had before this pregnancy. I'm beyond anxious to get her here. & I don't mean to sound like Debbie downer or whatever but I don't feel like she is "more" safe inside of me. I want to see her & finally feel like this is real! I don't want to go past my due date! It makes me cry just thinking about it. & no don't worry I'm not going to try to do any of those "make yourself go into labor on your own" myths. I would hate myself if it hurt my baby in anyway...I guess all I'm saying is I just wish there was a way to know when she was coming so I can stop getting my hopes up at every little mild contraction I get. Ugh!

Wednesday February 12, 2014

One of my worst fears is our baby dying.. this morning I almost had a freakout because I could not remember the last time I felt her move.. (she moves a lot!) I ate breakfast still no movement (she always starts kicking & moving when I eat) then I started freaking out a little so I ate a piece of chocolate (she definitely starts moving around whenever I eat chocolate) still no movement. I kept telling myself don't freak out she is probably fine. So I laid in bed waiting, hoping, & praying that she would move. Then boom! she kicked me! She hasn't stopped moving since.. Scariest moment of my life!! Half of me was telling myself that she would be fine. The other half was about to think of every possible worst case scenario & burst out crying. But as I laid in bed waiting for her to show me she was still alive I got a thought in my head.. First off when I was first pregnant probably around 12-14 weeks I had uneasy feelings that things would end up like the last time. So I prayed to my heavenly father & asked him to let me know that everything was going to be okay. I told him I would accept his will but I just needed a confirmation that she was going to be fine if that was his will. (I had been having nightmares about miscarriages in the beginning) & after I had finished I felt peace burning inside me. I knew my baby was going to be okay.. Anyway that's the thought that popped into my head. It was as if He was telling me "Remember, I told you everything was going to be fine." Pretty sure that's why I didn't immediately start freaking out!

Thursday February 13, 2014

The nightmares have begun again! During the beginning of my pregnancy I would have dreams where Dee doesn't show up at the hospital when I'm in labor & I have to do everything all alone. I think one of the reasons I have these dreams is because my sister-in-law informed us that Dee's brother was in the drive through at McDonalds while their child was being born. So I guess part of me freaks out thinking maybe something like that would happen with Dee.. I told him I would never forgive him & I would be so mad!! He would have to have a pretty darn good excuse. If he is hungry he can just ask someone to bring him food. Anyway.. those dreams have started up again! Or dreams where I end up having a C-Section. (my two worst fears besides the baby dying). Oh & stupid false contractions have begun. (I don't know what else to call them?) They're not "braxton hick" contractions (btw I hate that word for some reason...) Last night I woke up with some cramping. & I kid you not I was so excited... then I realized they probably were not the real deal. Pretty sure I would be in A LOT more pain. So I went back to sleep.. proving further that they were not real contractions.. How would I be able to go back to sleep if they were real? I guess I'm too anxious. I keep wondering when she is going to arrive.. I need to stop getting my hopes up because with my luck she will be 2 weeks late. AHH! I just wish I knew when she was coming so I didn't feel so anxious every day. It's like when you get engaged.. you know it's going to happen soon, but you don't know what day it's going to be. Everyday you get your hopes up. & it doesn't happen until you least expect it. So I guess I'm just going to have to learn to be patient & stop hoping for her to come already. She'll come when she wants to.

Saturday February 15, 2014
So last night I'm pretty sure (like 95%) that I was experiencing back labor! I know that when you're pregnant your back hurts ALL the time.. but I've had the luxury of going to the chiropractor weekly since the middle of October.. My back hasn't hurt that bad because of that. (Also my stupid headaches I had in the beginning that probably had to do with me being low on iron.. went away shortly after I started going to the chiropractor. I'm so glad I started going!) So last night when Dee & I were walking around Walmart I started to get horrible horrible pains in my lower back! During the day I experienced some mild contractions but they would go away if I started to walk... or if I was already standing I would lay down & the pain would go away. That's why I don't think these "back pains" were just back pains. Walking them off didn't help. The pain just stayed.. Then I started getting some pain in my thighs. I don't know if anyone has experienced pain in their thighs when they go into labor.. but I know that when I went to the ER last April for my D&C & I was experiencing "labor pains" I remember my thighs aching & I remember I felt super shaky & weak & it felt like I couldn't hold my legs together because of that. Last night wasn't as intense as the time I went to the ER.. but the pain reminded me of how it felt. So maybe when I go into real labor I'll know that I'm in real labor because that might happen again... Who knows. All I know is that I definitely had to be experiencing back labor last night. Maybe contractions aren't too far behind ;) I guess that's just wishful thinking.. Oh well! Anyway I didn't feel worried or anything if they had been the real deal & I started going into labor. I charged our camera the day before... & our video camera is charged (not that we are filming the birth.. we definitely are not doing that because I wouldn't ever watch it). & I have my hospital bag ready!! We just need to put her carseat in our cars! Everything is ready for her to come! I am 38 weeks today so that means... 2 more weeks until my due date!! I sure hope I do not go past my due date, I think I will cry!

Tuesday February 18, 2014
Well I'm ready for her to come at anytime! I have my TDAP shot, her crib is set up (it's just a pack n' play for now, until we move to Butte between May-July), I made a couple freezer meals so that I don't really have to think about making/cooking anything for a week or two, stocked up on some more convenient type foods (I don't want Dee to go hungry! haha who knows how it'll be once the baby is here!), we have all the things she needs, we have diapers (well we would have stocked up on a lot more diapers & wipes... but I want to make sure she doesn't have an allergic reaction to this brand..) & I'm just ready!! I guess we still need to put her carseat in our cars. Other than that, everything is ready!! (: I cannot wait! 11 more day until my due date.. can't she just come right now??

Wednesday February 19, 2014
It's strange because my whole pregnancy I convinced myself that my baby would be born sometime this week. I guess I just felt like since my older sister had my niece at 38 weeks I assumed the same would happen to me. & then when she had my nephew when she was 38 weeks again, I felt like for sure my baby would come early. I refused to listen to the people that said "watch out you could go over your due date" "I knew someone that went 2 weeks over their due date" & so on. It really annoyed me. I thought for sure I would have this baby early (obviously I know I still can technically have her before her due date..) I guess I just had it in my head that she would definitely be here by the 18th of February. Ahh.. nope! Not even any signs of her coming early. I mean yes I have been experiencing more "contractions" but none that mean I'm ready to go to the hospital. I think I have finally accepted the fact that she is not coming early. (& if she does hey it'll definitely be a surprise). I've decided she probably isn't going to come until after her due date. & I guess that's okay. I mean yes I wish she would come right now.. but I'm just going to accept it for what it is.. I can't do anything about it. At least I have been able to get some reading done! I finished the Work & the Glory Series.. & I've started on the Eragon Series... & I've read a total of 10 books since the start of the new year. maybe that's not a lot.. but I feel pretty accomplished! Anyway... the baby will come eventually.. & I can't wait, but for now I'm just going to tell myself she isn't coming until March 8. (I know that's a week after my due date.. but I rather not get my hopes up that she will be here on her due date. I'm still 1cm).

Thursday February 20, 2014
Well we had a doctor appointment today... & the doctor said that I'm still 1cm.. he said maybe a little over 1cm BUT I am 75% effaced. He said that was a good thing! Also since I'm 39 weeks (basically) he decided to stretch me a little.. Hopefully that helps. He still doesn't think she will be here within the next week.. Oh well it is what it is. She will come when she is ready! Maybe if I haven't had her by my next appointment (February 27) he will start to strip the membranes.. That would be nice! I heard that sometimes you go into labor that same day or the day after once they "Strip your membrane".. & I've also heard that some women are dilated 1cm & 80% effaced & they go into labor a couple days after. Who knows how it'll be for me, & I cannot afford to get my hopes up that she will come early, because it's definitely not looking that way! I'm just so anxious! I guess for now I will get some more reading done, & maybe some scrapbooking too! (: