Blueberry.

As Christmas draws nearer & the end of the semester is about to pass I've been thinking a lot about blueberry. (Our angel baby). Between the start of December & sometimes before Christmas I can't help but think about the day I found out I was pregnant for the first time. It was December 11th 2012, the day of my English 1010 final that we accidentally found out. What I mean by accidentally is, I was at the doctor for a UTI & they decided to also test to see if I was pregnant as well. 

We had been trying to get pregnant for about 4 months & we were beyond excited when the Doctor came in & told us the good news. I could hardly wait. I was going to be a mother! 

Sometime after Christmas we had our first appointment. I remember that I couldn't wait to see the baby on the ultra sound. We were finally going to see the baby that was making me so sick & it was going to seem more real than it already did. 

The doctor got the ultra sound ready for us. I laid down on the black seat with a silly giddy smile on my face & reached for Dee's hand as the doctor smeared jelly onto the monitor.  He started moving it around my belly & Dee & I searched the screen with hopeful eyes. Nothing was there.. I'm sure my smile started to fade & then The doctor said "your uterus is tilted & that is probably why the baby isn't showing up let's schedule to see you when you're further along". 

Of course that's why we didn't see the baby I thought. We were almost 8 weeks along & having a tilted uterus was no surprise to us, it all made sense.. so we scheduled another appointment for 3 weeks out. 

At 12 weeks we knew for sure we would get to see that baby, after all I had horrible morning sickness for the last 4.5 weeks. The doctor decided this time to check the heart beat first (he couldn't the last time because 9 weeks is the magical week to hear your baby's heart). He rubbed that heart monitor all over my belly..  But there was no heart beat. 

By then Dee & I couldn't deny any longer that something was wrong. I know I kept trying to convince myself that everything would be fine but the look on the doctor's face was telling me otherwise. After searching a second time he told us that he'd like to do another ultra sound. 

Holding back tears we walked across the hall to the ultra sound room. I laid back on the black seat for the second time & prayed silently that there was a mistake & somehow our baby was still there. I pleaded & hoped with all my might that everything was fine. But somehow I knew better than that.. I knew I was in denial but I wasn't ready to admit it. 

After what seemed like hours the doctor finally turned & looked at us & said the words I will never forget, "I'm sorry but I think you had an incomplete miscarriage" he told us that he wanted us to go over to the radiology department at the hospital to make sure. 

We couldn't get out of the doctors office fast enough. The world seemed to be closing in on me. I could see but I wasn't seeing anything. I kept telling myself there was still a chance. Our baby was just hiding I told myself. 

Dee took me out to lunch & we talked about how the baby was just hiding. I'm sure Dee knew that the baby probably didn't make it but I was in denial. There was no way that there was no baby. I had morning sickness.. I could smell things from miles & miles away. We told people we were having a baby due August 18th. There was no way possible that I was having a miscarriage. 

I couldn't bring myself to say "what if I did have a miscarriage" to Dee because I knew I couldn't handle it. So we didn't talk about it. 

Finally, our appointment at the hospital arrived & we were welcomed into a dark room. I changed into a hospital gown & laid on the black seat. While the nurse squeezed jelly onto the monitor I pleaded with God to show me a baby on the screen. 

Again, there was nothing. The lady said "sorry nothing is there." then she told me to get dressed & left to room without another word. I was in shock. Our baby was gone. We weren't going to be parents. The nurse just called my loss nothing. How could I get dressed after I just found out I wasn't going to have a baby?? She must have been a robot because she has no emotion! I thought to myself as I changed into my clothes. 

I tried to keep the tears at bay but by the time we got out of the hospital I was crying the cry only people who have lost a pregnancy, baby, or child cry. I held onto Dee like my life depended on it & I tried to blame God for what he did to us. 

Somehow we made it home.. Somehow the tears stopped & we called the doctor (he wanted us to call after we went to the hospital). & he asked us to come back in. 

He told us that sometimes miscarriages happen. He tried to comfort us but I thought he couldn't possibly understand. He told us to give it a week so nature could take its course. If the miscarriage didn't happen I would need a D&C. 

Oh nature took its course alright, exactly a week later. As If finding out I wasn't having baby wasn't enough. 8 weeks went by & I ended up needing a D&C anyway. You can read about that here & here if you'd like.

I definitely went through the grieving process & step 2-4 over again & again. 

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

That was the hardest most trying thing I've EVER had to go through. & honestly, I'm still going through it. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about our Blueberry & what could have been. Sometimes when I'm talking or thinking about blueberry I tear up or have a good cry. I will always remember him (or her) & I hold dear to the fact that one day I will get to see blueberry in heaven.

Ive never been able to write about this experience before now. The main reason I'm writing about this today is for 3 reasons.  1. I want to get an ornament in memory of our blueberry for our Christmas tree. I was just looking at ornaments on Amazon & started tearing up. I started thinking about that hard time we had & realized how far we've come. 2. I started reading an article in the Ensign "my walk with him" & I started tearing up again about my blueberry & about the boat we are in right now. & 3. I want to share my trial with others to know they're not alone.

At first when I was reading the Ensign article I thought about the miscarriage we had way back when. But then I realized I needed to read this for 2 reasons. 1. To know that I can still be comforted about the loss of blueberry.. & 2. I can be comforted through the trial of not getting pregnant for the last 9 months. 

Guess what.. Every 1 in 6 couples have fertility problems. & 1 in 10 women have a miscarriage in their life. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one going through a rough time.. But then I get smacked with information like this & I realize I'm not alone.

“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. …

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:18, 27).

I have a testimony about this scripture. & I know it is so true. God never leaves us. He is always there one prayer away. He loves his children. He will comfort you if you'll let him.

It is hard not knowing the future sometimes. I know I've wondered multiple times in my life if 1. I'll ever have any kids or 2. If I'll ever have another kid. In the moment it seems like it's never going to happen. I think the key here will always be to accept Gods Will though. His timing is the right timing & that should be okay. 

One day we will see the whole picture & realized why we went through the things we went through. One day it won't feel so bad. One day the mountain you've been climbing will look like a grain of sand. I won't say it gets easier.. But you definitely will get stronger.

Maybe one day we will be blessed with another child but right now it's just not happening. I have to accept the lords will & trust in him. We were blessed with Elsie & that's all that matters.

Even though I've put this into the Lord's hands, I still find comfort with stumbling across the scripture listed above. He will comfort me when I need comfort whether I need comfort about the loss of blueberry or whether we will ever have another baby.

That's All For Now!