I gained 40 pounds while I was pregnant. I hate gaining weight. I hate stepping on scales. I become obsessive when I do. (Those of you who stay updated with my blog.. know why. You can read that here if you'd like).
Constantly I had to remind myself.. its JUST the baby. Relax!
Before getting pregnant I weighed about 148-150ish. (When Dee & I got married I weighed 145. I didn't really gain or lose weight after getting married like most people do. I think I probably lost a lot after the miscarriage too.. but then I gained it back plus some after the D&C).
By the end of my pregnancy I weighed about 190! That is the most I have EVER weighed in my life. As I stepped on the scale 6 days before Elsie was born & saw that big 190 I wanted to cry. I felt insecure. My husband just saw I weighed 190! How could I possibly weigh that much!! I was told with my BMI I was only supposed to gain 30 pounds. I must be fat! I thought. I gained an extra 10 pounds! I felt like I couldn't look at myself after that. My heart kept telling me: Michelle you're pregnant! This happens when you're pregnant, & that's okay! My brain on the other hand was telling me: you're fat! You're fat! You're fat. Over & over.
I got over it. I convinced myself, its JUST the baby! I will lose ALL of this weight after she is born!
After Elsie was finally born on February 26.. I instantly felt weight taken from my body. It was the weirdest feeling! & after the placenta was delivered I felt more weight taken from me as well. My belly went down. It still looked like I was 6 months pregnant. But things were different! (I actually found myself missing my belly).
A few weeks or so went by & my belly seemed to be going down. I thought I looked so good! Dee kept telling me, "babe you're looking skinny". It boosted my self-esteem. Until recently when I realized that I felt skinny because for the last 9 months (probably less) I had a huge pregnant belly!
After giving birth I weighed 172. (The most I've ever weighed not pregnant). For some reason when I stepped on the scale I thought the number on the scale would be the number I was pre pregnancy.
I felt defeated. I felt like all the thoughts of "I look good" or "you look skinny" from Dee were for nothing. I wasn't changing I was still big!! 172! No way!
I began to tell myself, well you're breastfeeding so everything will just melt off in a couple months. You'll be back there in no time!
Nope! I weighed myself again 2 months later. 171. 1 pound gone in 2 months?? WHAT!
I told myself I needed to go on a diet. I told myself I needed to lose this weight. I was the outcast of breastfeeding mothers! I wasn't losing the weight! What was wrong with me? Why does my body hate me? Why does God want me to suffer?
A couple months of thinking that. I became selfish. I recently started a diet. A diet that at one point help me lose a lot of weight making me weigh the least I've ever weighed since before high school. 135. I wanted those same results.
Well I lost some weight. I'm hovering between 167-168 now. Still more than I've ever weighed in my life.
One day as I was feeding Elsie & had nothing else to do so I asked myself: how come I'm always hungry? How come the last time I did this "diet" I could just eat oatmeal for breakfast, an apple & string cheese for a snack, rice, zucchini, & chicken for lunch, celery & peanut butter & cherry tomatoes for another snack, & last of all a salad for dinner, every day & be full all day! I just didn't understand.
Then as clear as day I got a thought in my head. You are not the same as you were then. Your body is providing for you & your baby. You don't need to diet now. Eat healthy, yes. But you have time to lose the weight.
I felt like an idiot. I was selfish. Only thinking about myself instead of thinking about Elsie. I just got over the "fourth trimester" & I have time to shed this weight. It'll happen. As long as I stay active & eat healthy & stop obsessing over it.
Its so easy to get wrapped up in feeling helpless because you don't see the results you want right away. But it'll happen even if it happens slowly.
I haven't been myself lately. I never want to leave my apartment because that means everyone has to see my imperfect body. My fat mommy body. I've felt so insecure. I've felt so much hatred towards myself.
Its just sad what our world thinks. If you are not skinny: you are not beautiful! I've thought I was fat since 5th grade! 5th grade! A 10 year old thinking they're fat? How sad! Parents! We need to be better. We need to teach our children its okay to be themselves.(obviously while teaching healthy living at the same time in a loving way). We need to teach them they are beautiful children of God! We need to teach them that everyone is beautiful! We need to love our bodies! We need to stop comparing. We need to be the role models for our children. Once you say those words "I'm fat" in front of your children, freak out, or talk about your body in a disgusted tone, your kids hear that! Your kids believe what you say!! That's why people think if you're not skinny you're ugly. That's why children are starting to think they're fat when they're six years old and develop eating disorders! Your children look up to you! Once you say those words "fat is ugly" they believe you. They wonder.. am I fat? Do my parents not love me because I'm fat? My parents won't accept me because I'm fat. Then they obsess over it. You are the cause of your child's eating disorder because of what you said! You made them feel like you wouldn't accept them if they're fat. You can't love them because they're fat. Stop it people! Be a good role model.
I vow to never be that kind of parent to Elsie. I vow to never say things like eww she's fat or eww I'm fat! Etc. I don't want Elsie to go through what I've gone through. Obsessing over being fat. When I wasn't! I was just me!
I know now that there is nothing wrong with me. My body just went through the most traumatic thing ever! I carried another living being inside of me for 9 months! & the first 3 months of it my body was creating brains, organs, & other essential things that human bodies need. My body spent 9 months stretching & growing because a beautiful baby was growing inside me & my body needed to make room for her. My body pushed an infant out of me so she could have a life here on earth. My body did amazing things! So, so what if I have some love handles now? So what if my belly isn't as flat as it once was? So what if my skin isn't as "perfect" as it once was? So what if I'm not perfect? My body (with the help of God & obviously my husband) gave me the best gift of all. A healthy, beautiful baby girl! & that's all that should matter. My body doesn't hate me.
God doesn't want me to suffer. He wants me to just love the body He gave me. I have been ungrateful & have blamed Him for my "imperfections", & I'm being ungrateful for the amazing gift he has given me! Sometimes we have to make sacrifices. & having children is definitely one of them! Women go through 9 months of sickness, pain, weakness, etc. Their body is not the same after having a baby! & how can it be?? But I do know one thing, even though we suffer... we receive the best gift ever! A beautiful baby! & that makes feeling fat & ugly feel so small. After seeing Elsie's sweet innocent little face looking up at me each & every day. I say to myself I would never give up having this sweet angel to be skinny or even have my old never been pregnant body back. She is worth it!
I want to be better. I need to be better. Otherwise Elsie is going to be obsessive, & I don't want that.
I am beautiful! I am beautiful because I am a daughter of God. I am beautiful because my body can do great things. I am beautiful because I am ME!
Michelle- you will always be beautiful in our family :)
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